Do You Hear Those Alarm Bells Ringing!!

I was asked a question today I thought worth sharing;
If a woman you are dating tells you that 3 of her 5 ex boyfriends threatened suicide and were “possessive imbeciles”, would you be concerned?

Shhhhh …… Do you hear that?????       That’s alarm bells going off!!!

Psychopath’s have a habit of giving subtle warnings to their new prey, part of the game I guess. They invariably out themselves in a way that they don’t come right out and say they are a psychopath but later you will go, “Oh my God, why didn’t I run?”

She has a problem, she is either attracted to emotionally unstable men, or she makes men suicidal. Either way, she has a problem, don’t make it yours.

When I first met my ex he would drop subtle hints; he told me most of his ex’s called him a cheap bastard when I had thanked him for a gift he bought me. I had thought that it was a strange thing for him to tell me but he had always been very generous with me and I thought he was kidding.

Another time a few months later he mentioned that all his ex’s had falsely accused him of being unfaithful.

The longer we were together the more little tidbits came out, but there was one common trait all his ex’s had, they were all psycho bitches who made his life hell and he was the innocent victim.

Well, you guessed it, after a couple of years I was the psycho bitch and he was only abusive in response to my dysfunctional view of reality.

I had gone from being; unlike any woman he had ever met or dated, calm and rational, he could talk to me, I had taught him what real love was; to, a paranoid, suspicious, psycho bitch that made his life hell. He had met the love of his life, she was nothing like me, she was calm and rational, he didn’t have to cheat on her or lie to her.

I said, “Give her 10 years and get back to me.”

I advise you to walk away and severe ties with her asap, this story will not end well.

Watch for those thorns among the roses.

bleeding_rose_by_ginangiela-d4bzqra

 

Raising Kids In A Crazy World

50s picnic

When my son would start acting in a way I wasn’t happy about, I would ask myself, “What has changed in his life lately?”

So when teenagers started shooting up their schools, killing their peers, I started looking for what has changed in a teenager’s life over the last couple of decades. I discovered that the situation is way worse than we hear on the news, incidents of school violence are far more prevalent than we know because they don’t report the stabbings and suicides.

If you get a bunch of people together, say aged 40 on up; they will all say that it’s a miracle any of us survived. Our parents smoked cigarettes around us, we rode in the back of pick up trucks, rode our bikes without helmets, didn’t have car seats, we threw lawn darts at each other, ate peanut butter, (and playdoh, glue, and chewed lead pencils) and played outside (without adult supervision) until Dad whistled it was time to come home (Don’t make him whistle twice!!) Society was outraged that kids were dying so we made laws to keep our kids safe, but they are still dying and they are purposely killing themselves!! THAT should scare the crap out of every parent reading this. Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in teenagers and children aged 10-19 years old in the US and the numbers keep getting higher. It is the 9th leading cause of death of teens in Canada. In 2015 there were 1537 male suicides and 524 females. Not only are the majority of mass shooters male, they are more than twice as likely as girls to kill themselves. 43% of boys hung themselves and only 20% used a gun.

To focus on assault weapons and semi-automatic guns is avoiding the real problem, it is blaming an inanimate object when we should be trying to figure out WHY our children want to die.

I see 8 factors contributing to our teens killing themselves and each other.

ONE: The demise of the family unit. Part of the reason it has happened is women got equal rights, equal pay and were able to get out of lousy marriages, which is a good thing, but it also enabled people to give up on their marriages when the going gets a little tough. (I have 3 marriages under my belt so I am not criticizing anyone and if I was to do it over I would have worried a whole hell of a lot less about getting a man and would have gotten a dog instead).  It used to be that on Sundays the neighborhood would be a bee hive of activity with lawns being mowed, kids playing, neighbors talking over the fence, Sunday picnic and drives, back yard barbecues, church, it was family day, the day of the week the family did something together. Families were larger, there were siblings around to talk to and support each other. Kids had chores to do, they learned about hard work, responsibility, sharing the workload, and there is comfort in having your family around you, blood is thicker than water. Kids need boundaries and rules growing up, it gives them security. When parents set rules it gives the kids an easy out when they want to say no. “My parents would kill me”. It is a parents job to teach children to grow into responsible productive adults not to be their friend.

Adults don’t give kids credit for being affected by stress in the household, money problems, even the news. Young people have a lot of pressures on them and then throw losing a parent in on top of it. If the parents are battling it adds to the stress, if one parent doesn’t see the kids regularly or puts the kids in the middle. Very few parents are able to put their hurt and anger aside completely and the children pay for that. The mom’s usually have the kids and they are more apt to show their emotions more than a man would. Parents don’t have the same last name as their children and step parents come and go.

If parents could always keep what is in the best interest of the child as a first priority divorces would be a whole hell of a lot cheaper and children would be healthier and happier. I like the way my son looks at things with his daughter’s momma. “What ever I do for my daughter’s momma to make her life easier, is making my daughter’s life easier.”

TWO: Technology has advanced so quickly over the last 20 years. When us kids were out riding our bikes and playing outside all day we would fight, argue, scream at each other that we hated the other person and swear we would never play with them again, then two days later be best friends again. We learned to problem solve, resolve conflict, use our imaginations and develop relationships. We were “liked” by people we knew and played with every day, not some duck-faced Kardashian-wanna-be we have never met. There was no lying about who we were, people saw us every day and if we would have taken selfies people would have laughed at us. Sure there were the jocks and cheer leaders who were the envy of everyone but there were far more of “us” than “them“.We have gone from one TV per household to everyone in the family having their own TV and the internet at their finger tips. Everyone watches their own “entertainment”, kids judge their value by how many “likes” their photo shopped selfies get. Sex is every where, 7 year old’s are trying to look sexy. Teens and preteens have their faces buried in their phones, but then so do most parents. Do parents know what their kids are looking at? Here is a site that should scare the shit out of every parent. I got this on Facebook the other day, it is so scary!!

THREE: Economy. The world economy has been volatile, jobs are never certain, house prices have gone through the roof, homelessness is rampant. The middle class has disappeared, you have the rich and the poor. Not that long ago the majority of society was in the middle class somewhere and everyone was “equal”. If parents are still together they are both working, at all hours, 7 days a week; just to make ends meet. There is a lot of pressure to achieve and attain material things. Families used to get by with one vehicle, one TV, teens got a part time job to save $500 so they could buy a junker for a first car. Now there is so much pressure to “keep up with the Jones’s”. Limo’s for grad and hundreds of dollars spent on the dress, hair, shoes, I got married for less than it costs for some of these kids to go to grad. and it is expected! Never mind the ridiculous amount people are expected to pay for their wedding.
A lot of teens wouldn’t be caught dead driving a shit box car or wearing 2nd hand clothes and the ones who do are often times bullied. A teen wants nothing more than to be “liked” and accepted, to be one of the “crowd” but the standards are unrealistically high because of “reality” shows and social media and parents play into it. Stop!!! Very few teens have the confidence or are self assured enough to not care what people think and value their uniqueness. Uniqueness is not valued or nurtured by any one, not teachers, parents, not the community. Post secondary education is a must if a person wants to get any kind of job but is so expensive students are in over their head in debt before they even start.

FOUR. Absentee Fathers: I personally know the emotional damage absentee fathers do to their kids. I raised a son as a single mom and his father was not in his life in any meaningful way, it seemed his main purpose was to undermine our son’s confidence and disappoint him. It quite literally broke my heart to watch my son be disappointed time after time. His dad did nothing but criticize, saying my son was tied to my apron strings and I babied him too much (excuse me, but mother’s mother, they don’t father. Even when they try to play both roles there is something even the best mothers can’t do and that is; be a father). My son was teased and bullied in school and by the nasty kid down the street, teachers couldn’t do anything, talking to the parents did nothing, we moved, switched schools. It was hell for my son and when I asked his dad for help he said, “You wanted him, you got him, deal with it”. When I told him his son needed a dad, he said “He’ll survive” I said, “I want my child to do more than survive childhood.” He thought if he praised our son he would stop trying. How ridiculous!

His dad used to give him shit if he cried so when he got scared or nervous he would get angry instead. I knew he was just afraid but it really turned other people off. I had him in counseling, at times I was on suicide watch when he was little; suffice to say he really suffered not having a dad or any positive male role model around. Dad’s need to step up to the plate in a big way, yes some do, and that is great but we need all dad’s to stop viewing spending time with their kids as “giving the mom a break” and just get to the business of being a parent.

FIVE: Single mom’s don’t get a lot of support from the community around them. I think my son had 3 teachers in 10 years who made an effort to work with Kris, keep him challenged and teach him the way he needed to be taught. He completed grade 10 and 1/2 of grade 11 in his 10th year and had 6 months off before school started again and he never went back. (He has gotten his GED and gone on to College since). He got in with the wrong crowd in his teens, which is typical of kids who are bullied because they want to fit in somewhere. I was going through some financial difficulties and had to sell my big house and down size from 2800 sq ft to about an 800 sq ft cabin. I was so overwhelmed with my own problems I didn’t think about the effect it had on my son at the time. It was a critical time for him and I really couldn’t deal with him pushing the limits. I was tired and had no support from anyone. Everyone, simply everyone; including my mother and brother told me to “wash my hands of him”, “forget I ever had him”, I had “ruined him by loving him too much”, he had “always been a difficult child” and they refused to give me any support if I didn’t walk away from him.  In general society feels that way about teens who challenge the system and take an effort, they want to toss them aside, forget about them. I didn’t, I couldn’t! My point is proven with Nikolas Cruz, he was prescribed mood altering drugs and basically treated like a pain in the ass and ignored, otherwise thirty 911 calls would have seen him get help.

When my son was 16-19 I truly didn’t think he would live to 21, either he would kill someone or someone would kill him or he would end up in jail.

We had our struggles but long story short; he got his life back on track. He has thanked me more than once for loving him when he didn’t love himself and believing in him when he didn’t believe in himself. He STILL longs for his father’s approval and he is 34 and successful in his chosen career, leads a well rounded, productive life and is the best father I have ever seen. I could not be prouder!! It makes me wonder, what would have happened to him if I would have died when he was 18.

SIX: More Pressure and Higher Expectations than ever before. In society’s efforts to give their kids a better life than they had the pendulum has swung too far the other way.
Somewhere along the way we decided kids were “equals” and in the process stopped teaching them respect. I have news for you, kids are NOT equal, they haven’t been around long enough to be my equal, they don’t have the life experience. There are certain common signs of respect that I feel children should adhere to like calling their elders Mr and Mrs. It may not seem like a big thing or that it would have anything to do with mass shootings but it teaches respect for other people.

I tried to teach my son how to communicate effectively, in a way people would listen. You are entitled to get angry but you are not allowed to scream, punch, or throw a temper tantrum, if you must, go to your room, get it out of your system and then come back and talk to me calmly, rationally and with respect.

I don’t believe “because I told you to” is a good enough reason and a child has a right to an explanation, but that doesn’t mean everything is negotiable, children need rules, mealtimes, bedtimes, bath times and they also need cuddle time, family time and alone time.

SEVEN: Culture. Society in general has changed, our values, morals, and gender roles. More than ever before in history sex and violence are bombarding young minds, in our music, movies, on social media, video games and on TV. Teens are being told that girls must be sexy in order to get a guy (as if their value is dependent on having a man and being pretty) and boys are taught boys don’t cry, talk about their feelings, and violence makes the man. The more rejected the guy feels the more he isolates himself, the angrier he gets and the more he buries himself in violent video games and obsesses about getting revenge. We have to stop raising our boys to believe they are superior and automatically entitled because they are males. The role of hunter/gatherer is obsolete, there is no “woman’s work”, and we have to teach our boys how to fend for themselves, there is no shame in crying or asking for help. Lord knows Nikolas Cruz was crying for help the only way he knew how, by cutting himself, posting on FB he was going to shoot up a school.

EIGHT: Mind altering drugs that dull empathy and compassion, induce anger, aggression, paranoia, suicidal thoughts, and homicidal tendencies combined with a shattered family unit, a disappearing middle class and fragile economy, an absentee father, peer pressure and bullying.

And there you have the recipe for “How To Make Mass Murderer”

 

 

Making Of A Mass Murderer – Part 2

For some reason this last shooting in the states hit me harder than any of the others. Lets face it; in the states, mass shootings have become almost a daily occurrence and after a while you hear the news and think “Oh another shooting, gee that’s too bad” then go on with your day. I live in Canada, we don’t have a problem with mass shootings, we don’t have a beef with the NRA, so what do I care?

Guns have always been around with far less stringent gun laws and mass shooting, teens killing teens was not happening. This has led me on an investigation to figure out what has changed in recent decades to make teens angry enough they would violently kill their peers. Angry teens is nothing new, all the hormones, peer pressure, the need to be popular. And lets be honest, I am not trying to blame the victims, but kids can be cruel. (seen it, experienced it, got the T-shirt)

Then I heard the kid was 18, that his father had died when he was 8 and his mother died last year. A knot formed in my stomach. I thought of what I was going through with my son when he was 18; I honestly didn’t think he would live to 21. He would either end up killing someone, be killed, or end up in jail. My son laughs at me now and says “Oh Momma, I wasn’t that bad.” Oh yes he was. And I couldn’t help wondering what he would have done if I would have died when he was 18.

That got me thinking about what Nikolas Cruz’s childhood might have been like, what drove him to do what he did. Maybe I was wrong to feel sorry for him but I had to try to figure it out.

I know one thing for certain; getting rid of the guns is not going to solve the problem. I agree that it may save a few lives, it will force kids to be more creative in their killing sprees, we might see more bombings or vehicles running over groups of people, but it isn’t going to solve the cause of the problem. In one forum I was in someone was spouting off about China not having any shootings because they don’t allow guns. No they don’t have shootings, they have stabbings and machete attacks and the US is no different. For decades kids have been coming to school with knives and attacking someone they have a beef with and then they kill themselves. This is not just about mass shootings, it can’t be isolated like that; this is about school violence, it is about society, it’s about asking when and why did the human life stop having value? Why are our teens committing suicide, bullying, and killing at an alarming rate?

I was raised with guns in the home and I know that simply having a gun available to you does not make you a killer. I have also done a lot of work with domestic violence victims and been one myself, and found it interesting that the #1 sign that the abuser is capable of murdering the victim is if he has strangled her. My ex could blow a vehicle up from yards away using a length of wire, barbecue starter, a balloon and cutting gas. If someone wants to kill you, they don’t need a gun and a gun does not make them into a killer.

But before I go any further lets look at the common traits of these teens;

Children and Adolescent Shooters

  • over 60% wet the bed past the age of 12 years old. (bed wetting is a common sign a child is being or has been sexually abused)
  • Had a fascination with fire and may have a history of arson
  • Often from dysfunctional families with an absentee father
  • Childhood abuse
  • Were bullied
  • History of attempted suicide
  • Become a loner due to feelings of alienation from their peers
  • Every single young mass shooter was on some psychiatric drug
  • They are our future domestic abusers and mass murderers.

We don’t hear about the kid being medicated for ADHD, just his troubled past.

“Approximately 11% of children 4-17 years of age (6.4 million) have ever been diagnosed with ADHD, according to parent report from 2011-12. [Read key findings] The percent of children with an ADHD diagnosis continued to increase, from 7.8% in 2003 to 9.5% in 2007 and to 11.0% in 2011-12.Jan 24, 2018”

“Twelve percent of US children and teens had a diagnosis of Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) in 2011, a number that has jumped by 43 percent since 2003, according to a large national study based on parental reports of an ADHD diagnosis.”

I am not saying that in some cases drugs might be necessary, I am not a psychiatrist but I strongly believe that there are alternatives that could be tried but drugs are easier and quicker and makes the drug manufacturers money.  It makes teacher’s lives easier; it’s hard for teachers to control a classroom of children if some of them don’t sit quietly and I understand the teachers frustration, there isn’t the time to teach each student the way that they need to learn.

We all learn differently. We are all unique, something that I personally love. I love when a person isn’t afraid to be who they are instead of being a “sheep” but not everyone appreciates uniqueness, it scares them and in school especially; it really is not appreciated.

In my opinion, we are too quick to label children with some disorder before they even have a chance to develop their personality, any child who is high energy and perhaps even highly intelligent is labeled as being ADHD, ADD, OCD and we drug them into compliance. I am appalled that children as young as 2 are being labeled disordered when they just might have a unique personality that needs to be directed and taught in a way they can relate to.

The school recommended my son be put on Ritalil when he was in elementary school in the late 80’s and I flatly refused. I was told it was a miracle drug for helping children learn. When I knew it was more about getting kids to comply and behave; making the teachers life so much easier. I was pressured quite strongly and even made to feel guilty, that I could make my son’s life so much easier by putting him on a drug that would help him concentrate. I literally called Bullshit and walked out.

I had kids in my daycare as young as 7 on Ritalil and to be honest they were the worst behaved and the meanest kids. I had step children that were put on it and it just deadened their personalities. I had to comply with the mom’s wishes but I hated the effect it had on the kids. None of them were on it long and none of them liked how they felt on it. Every single kid I have known on ADHD drugs had dead eyes. I hate the frickin stuff and what I have uncovered just reinforces what I have always felt. You don’t drug kids into compliance!

Anti-depressants and drugs for ADHD are all from the category of SSRI drugs or Serotonin selective reuptake inhibitors

Side effects of anti depressants and drugs for ADHD

loss of appetite, weight loss, sleep problems, irritability, hallucinations, confusion, and tics, insomnia, increase the risk of cardiac and psychiatric problems, an increased risk of suicideExtreme Agitation    Hostility & Aggression,  Withdrawal Reactions   ,  Other Side Effects, Autism,   Paxil Suicide

“As one well-known psychiatrist put it: “[SSRIs] are not correcting a biochemical imbalance, these drugs create severe imbalances in the brain. … The idea that human suffering, psychological suffering, is biochemical is strictly a promotional campaign, perhaps the most successful in the history of the world, created by the drug companies. We do not even have a technology, a scientific technology, for measuring what happens inside the brain … it is literally a fabrication.””

“For the existing indications SSRI manufacturers make over Six Billion Dollars ($6,000,000,000) per year from SSRIs.”
https://antidepressantadversereactions.com/

In 2006 the FDA required drug manufacturers to carry a “Blackbox Warning” on all anti-depressants because of the serious side effects and subsequent law suits and criminal cases where it was determined that the person committed murder or some other violent crime while under the influence of an SSRI and got off.

They recommend anyone taking an SSRI have a face to face meeting with their doctor and that family and friends closely monitor the patient.

First of all who has the time or money for weekly doctors appointment?

Secondly; who reads the small print on their medications?

Thirdly (is that a word?)People trust their doctor to inform them of side effects and to book follow up appointments.

Finally; the doctors themselves don’t know all the side effects and the majority tend to prescribe more medication to counter act the side effects of the first meds. There are interactions like with cough syrup that could send a patient into SSRI toxicity. How many kids need cough syrup?

I know this because of my own recent experiences with medication for my heart, the wrong meds all but killed me, yet the doctors kept insisting it was not the meds. It was not until I told them I was taking myself off them because life was not worth living while on them; that I got their attention and they found an alternative drug and the change was almost immediate and my health improved so quickly I went from being told I needed a heart transplant to going from a 1.5 grading to 10.5.

Most people don’t deal with the medical profession for anything more than a common cold and ADHD has become so common I am sure parents assume it is perfectly safe because if it wasn’t there would have been more information out there about it. The number of children who commit suicide or violent crimes is not tracked in terms of the drugs they were on and they are just chalked up to “the child was depressed” or the child “had behavior problems”

I am sure in most cases the children end up being ok taking the medication and grow up without incident. But what about the 1% who have adverse effects and slip through the cracks?
What about the kid, who on top of being medicated is bullied, and because of the drugs starts to get paranoid, has feelings of aggression he doesn’t know how to deal with, throw into the mix the boy’s father dies and the mother is grieving and not able to handle the child as well. Now the child is dealing with feelings of grief, being bullied, has no one to talk to and maybe is just dismissed by all the adults dealing with their own issues (adults rarely give children credit for their emotions and tend to dismiss them because they are just kids) What does a kid do if he has feelings he doesn’t know how to deal do? they either isolate themselves or they act out. Can you see the vicious cycle starting? THEN!
The drugs are doing exactly what they are intended to due, dull his feelings, and by every definition the person becomes a narcissist, no empathy, no love, just hatred and anger.
The kid, being bullied grows angrier, adults are always angry with him, kids withdraw from him because he is angry and they can’t relate to losing their dad, (or as in my son’s case, his dad just chose to not be in his life and criticize him when he did see him the odd time, cancelled daddy days and generally disappointed the kid time after time). The kid isolates himself and buries himself on the internet, sees other kids great lives on Facebook, those popular kids who want nothing to do with him. He ruminates about it, all alone, day after day and gets more and more angry. He doesn’t know how to release his angry in a healthy way or how to communicate in a constructive way and he builds deeper pathways in his brain so that even if he doesn’t want to, all he can think about is how no one cares, rejects him, dismisses him, is angry with him and how unfair life is. Then his mother gets sick and dies. He is alone, homeless, kicked out of school, no one understands him, he doesn’t understand himself, even his own little brother teased him.
There had been thirty 911 calls made about Nikolas Cruz since 2016. One call was made by his mother because he had gotten angry and was throwing things and hit her with the vacuum hose, his therapist had attended the home with the police. The therapist had given him drugs, he had calmed down so they said there was no need to take him in for assessment. His mother had said he was becoming more irate over time, talking more about wanting a gun, cutting himself and generally exhibiting progressively scarier behavior. He had called 911 himself to report being bullied just days after his mother died. Yet nothing was done.  As much as what he did is horrific, it can not be chalked up to “he slipped through the cracks”. The boy was screaming for help and warning people what he was planning to do long before he did it and no one listened, sadly he has everyone’s attention now! So, the truth of the matter is; his feelings were dismissed, he wasn’t taken seriously, he was given more of the drugs that were making him even more angry, paranoid and violent.  In my mind, society failed this boy is such a huge way, and it has to stop before any more kids die.

Society, media, TV, video games, movies and music all associate violence with masculinity. Boys are told to “man up”, don’t be a sissy, if they cry, girls naturally know how to express sadness but boys are expected to be tough, they end up dealing with all their feelings one way, with anger and aggression.

There are narcissists and psychopaths who are born that way, and they can not be helped and are very dangerous; but most of these kids are created by society.

I have to ask too, how many of the kids being prescribed medication are truly ADHD? There are many prescribed tests doctors should be doing to determine if there is some other cause for the child’s behavior.

To rule out other conditions, a doctor may ask for tests (but how many do?), including:

Hearing and eyesight
A blood test for lead levels
A blood test for diseases such as thyroid disease
A test to measure electrical activity in the brain
A CT scan or MRI to check for brain abnormalities

The Vanderbilt Assessment Scale is a 55-question assessment tool that reviews symptoms of ADHD. It also looks for other conditions such as conduct disorder, oppositional-defiant disorder, anxiety, and depression.

The Behavior Assessment System for Children (BASC) is a test that looks for things like hyperactivity, aggression, and conduct problems. It also looks for anxiety, depression, attention and learning problems, as well as the lack of certain essential skills.

The Child Behavior Checklist/Teacher Report Form (CBCL) is a scale that looks at physical complaints, aggressive or delinquent behavior, and withdrawal.

The Neuropsychiatric EEG-Based Assessment Aid (NEBA) system is a scan that measures brain waves. The ratio of certain brain waves tends to be higher in children and adolescents with ADHD. The scan is approved for use in children ages 6 to 17, but is meant to be used as a part of a complete medical and psychological exam.

Other tests help diagnose other medical conditions that mimic ADHD, but don’t diagnose ADHD itself.

Look for my next post with my thoughts on how to stop raising narcissistic kids and mass murderers.