No Vaccine For The Leading Cause Of Death In Women

It should scare the crap out of everyone that every single day 3 women are murdered by their partner (or ex-partner) or that one out of every 3 girls will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime.

I want to go into high schools, gather all the students together, get all the girls to form groups of 3 girls and then have one girl leave the group. Maybe it would hit home. Maybe if parents had a visual they would take it seriously. This is not confined to a “type” of woman, a class, or an age. It is an epidemic affecting women every where and it is not getting better.

If anything, even with all the public awareness campaigns reports of abuse have dropped but domestic homicides have gone up.

I think society, women, parents, still think, “Yes, it is horrible, yes, I know it happens in all cultures, all economic levels, and ages, and I don’t blame the victim…..but it would never happen to me (my daughter, my mother, my sister….).” Deep down the majority of society still views the victim as flawed somehow.

We all think we are special, if you are a father you think, “I’ll kill any bastard that lays a hand on my daughter.” A brother may think he would protect his sister. A parent might think they raised their daughter to never put up with shit from any man.

Take it from a woman who never took shit from men, who was self sufficient, confident, gainfully employed, and could do without a man in my life quite easily thank you! Believe me, at 41 years old, after never being in an abusive relationship in my life and kicking any man who tried to control me to the curb; it can happen to anyone!

Plus, I owned my home but I thought for sure if worse came to worse my mother would never let me be homeless or turn her back on me. I thought for sure my brother would defend me. As it turns out, people we think have our back often times turn their back on us when we need them the most.

One of the things that made me more vulnerable was the belief it could never happen to me. Me!? No way! I said it more than once, “If a man ever hit me I would be gone so fast his head would spin.”

I could not understand why women went back or why they didn’t charge the guy, and assumed it was because they weren’t as independent or strong as I was.

Once I was in an abusive relationship and kept going back, my confidence in shreds, I kept thinking, “If I can end up like this, how on earth would a younger less confident woman ever survive it?”

How do we change things? We teach our young girls that their worth is not wrapped up in whether they have a man or not. Women don’t “snag” or “catch” a man and the men don’t lose a damn thing when they get married. Women are not in a competition for a man and should be loyal and supportive of their gender.

We used to blame inequality for women staying with their abuser but that excuse doesn’t hold water any more.

We have to stop calling domestic homicide a “crime of passion” and stop romanticizing things like stalking. Stalking is NOT love, jealousy is not love, calling 25 times a day is not love. It is not cute and it should not be brushed off or ignored.

We need to educate young girls to recognize the early signs of an abusive man and not be flattered if he is possessive.

At a very young age that having a man does not give you value. You are not lacking anything if you don’t have a man. There is nothing wrong with you. And instead of trying to be the kind of woman a man wants, girls should be more concerned with, “is he the kind of man I want in my life?”.

There is nothing wrong with having high standards and a woman isn’t being a princess or too demanding to expect to be treated with respect. We have to teach our kids to respect each other and respect themselves.

I am not naive enough to think girls should be virgins when they get married and the human body is nothing to be ashamed of but seriously, teen age girls should not think they have to put out to get the guy. Music, movies, “reality tv” put too much emphasis on sex at an age when girls are just discovering their own bodies and dealing with their own hormones let alone trying to be “cool and grown up” about sex.

Mom’s stop sexualizing your daughters. Big sisters need to set an example for your little sister by not swooning over every guy.

The reality is; girls and boys are different hormonally, always have been, always will be. It is a scientifically proven fact that when women have sex with a man hormone called Oxytocin is released. Oxytocin is nicknamed “the cuddle hormone” and is proven to lower a woman’s defenses, making her more forgiving, she is more trusting and it also increases empathy.

A man releases the pleasure hormone, and once he has sex there is no long term hang over, whereas the woman, even if she wasn’t that nuts for the guy prior to having sex, she now sees him in a different light. She has unfounded trust in him and is blind to his flaws. That is why women will be heart broken over a relationship that only lasted a few dates if she was having sex with the guy. He is just there for a good time and thought they were on the same page, she is planning their wedding.

That is why a narcissist pushes for sex early in the relationship because he knows once he gets her into bed he has her hooked.

My dad used to say, “Boys give love for sex and girls give sex for love ” and it doesn’t work. We have to teach our girls this about themselves and explain why they have to wait until they know a man before having sex. Once those trusting thought patterns are formed it is very hard to change them and if a person isn’t even aware what’s happening, impossible to change and that is why women end up staying far too long in a toxic relationship.

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9 thoughts on “No Vaccine For The Leading Cause Of Death In Women

  1. Good write up Carrie as I can relate where this stems from with both avenues – it’s as we mature that we understand more of ourselves and that we are worthy of good relationships

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Girls, teens, young women, older women and old women all can say…. times up! Do I miss some things about him, yes! Is it worth my self respect and safety? NOPE. I’m enough all by myself 🙂 Nicely done Carrie 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Very well written as usual Carrie. I value the insights you bring. Reading it, I couldn’t help thinking that when I was growing up, the values I was taught emphasized that a woman needs a man to have value. Dad taught me that the value a woman had was as a wife and mother – in having babies.

    So he taught his many skills to my brothers who were not expected to do housework. I was expected to cook and clean, and generally not taught to take care of myself – that would be my “husband’s” job!

    Sickening and disgusting? You bet! Later on, as he watched me struggle to support me, my husband (who always needed a vacation, and mostly stayed unemployed), as well as our three children, he sadly admitted he was wrong.

    Dad said something that always stuck with me. “Why’ he asked, ‘did his daughters turn out to be such hard workers, while his sons turned out to be such bums!” They too, as well as most of the men in our lives expected us females to be their adoring slaves, supporting them and putting a roof over our heads! Society got it wrong, and so did us as it was taught to us.

    One last note. My daughter Beckie commented during our joint vacation recently, how amazing it was that when we’re without a man, we do so much better! We have more money, more resources, our children are healthier, happier, and so are we!

    Great post Carrie!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Only Me,
      Women have historically “kept it together”, even during time’s of war. Men would go off to work but the women kept the family together, put food on the table out of practically nothing.
      And never given the credit or respect due.
      I too was taught that I would keep my man happy and satisfied, not like my mother. My husband would not have to screw around like my father had to because I would be a good woman and wife.
      I would always give my husband sex and have dinner cooked.
      Can you believe my father talked to me like that when I was a child?
      Sick.
      You and I came from the same era.
      But we’re still here! Still fighting.
      Hugs girlfriend!

      Like

  4. Carrie.
    Well written. I came out of the same thing in reverse. My soon to be wife has read all the court documents and I only contact my ex wife via text message and my fiance has watched it unfold as I was abused and tormented by my ex and her husband. It only stopped when I warned them I could now take an AVO (apprehended violence order) out on them. She has been caught lying to the judge and using the system to try and keep me from seeing my kids.

    I write this to say that not all men are bastards. Yes there are horrors put there just as there are horror stories of women treating men.

    My fiance struggles because I come home from work and help around the house. She was also taught that women “only” do the housework. But that does not reach your daughters or step daughters to look for respect.

    Working together and holding off on sex so you can see how the other is gonna treat you is the best( not perfect) way to get an idea of how you will be loved/treated.

    Some for whatever reason – men and women – blame the other sex entirely and all that does is ruin your future life and lower your defences because a man or woman who could love you for who you are will run when they see that struggle because it will always lay blame at the others foot for all things.

    We need to teach our kids – boys and girls – that sex is great, but it shores up a loving relationship, it doesn’t make a loving relationship. Take the time to get to know each other as 1 thing bad intentioned people can’t do….. they cant wait.
    They know they’ll be exposed and will move on. We cannot blame all men or women for our crap experiences or we leave ourselves vulnerable or bitter.

    Thank you Carrie for such a good article

    Like

    1. My other blog is about narcissists and the damage they cause. After 10 years in a relationship with a narcissist I was totally broken and had no idea what had and continued to happen to me. I decided to share my experiences in order to hopefully help others. It was through writing that blog I discovered narcissists. I had no idea they even existed.
      There are female narcissists who cause just as much pain to their victims as the males.
      You are right, men get taken in by the females and are caused as much destruction and devastation as the women do. Unfortunately more women end up dead.
      People don’t believe what the narcissist capabe of and when the victim tells their story they usually aren’t believed because the narcissist doesn’t usually show their true colors for all to see.
      My other blog is http://www.ladywithatruck.com , you might find it interesting.
      Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope things improve for you now.
      All the nest to you in the future
      Carrie.

      Like

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